It's been almost two years that I'm struggling financially. But as day goes by, I can see glimpse of hope that I can hold on and gives me enough strength to live life in simple way. But things still haven't change with what I'm struggling about. Honestly, I don't know how to manage financial matters as more often than not, I'm messing it. There'll be times or should I say most of the times, I have zero balance in my savings and nothing left for myself. It's hard to continue that daily life living when I know I have something to settle and I have nothing.
With such struggles, I never lose hope that one day I'll live life back to its simplicity, the life that I once owned and enjoyed. But some people say, "when it rains, it pours", seems like true. It would be okay if it's blessings but if it's problems you have nothing to do but cry.
With almost two years of struggling of living, days don't get tough as much as my circle of friends surrounds me, whom I can and open myself what's happening about me, what I'm struggling about. They share what they do know what should I do and of course, includes me in their prayers, but most of all, they share the loudest laughter that I really needed, in order for just a short moment, I feel that I don't bother much.
What's hard is when I'm alone. I walk on my way home talking to myself. I ask myself, "Oh God, what have I done?" Then suddenly, I asked, "Oh Lord, what should I do?" I never fail to ask God's guidance, most especially in every move that I should do, in every decisions I must make.
One day, the very darkest moment of my life came, when I needed to settle all my obligations. With my salary that's not enough been zeroed, I was bothered by the collection agents to post payment or else they will do it on field. That kind of harassment is the first time that was happened to me and I never thought that it will happen to me. But that was it, so be it. I make mistake and I need to face it.
As I walk through the dark, windy street in the night, I keep on calling our Lord, as I say, "Lord, Lord, please help me!"
Then after that, the first thing that comes to my mind is to ask help from my friends, one thing I've never ever done before. But with my pride, it keeps pushing me back not to do. My mind keeps telling me to try for it can do no harm.
When I got home, I opened my PC and logged in to my Facebook account. To my surprise, the first message that posted to my Wall, comes from the Facebook Bible page. And the verse was from Luke 6:46 and the verse says, "And why do you call Me, 'Lord, Lord,' and do not do what I say?" I commented on that post, "Lord, forgive me." I thought of it a hundred times what does it mean. When I got to bed, I failed to read the Novena before I sleep.
A day has just started again and life needs to continue. And with me, laughter is the one thing I never missed to do. And I don't wanna be alone, but time will get me there. At work, I received a message from friend that she can't help me as she was experiencing the same problem. I have nothing but understand and others told me the same thing. Again, when that time comes, it flashes back to my mind that verse from Luke. And instantly, I realized what have I done wrong.
When I called God, I keep on talking and talking and talking, never know that He was saying something for me. God do everything according to His will, I know that. But what I never realized is that my will is what I did, until I found myself going in the wrong direction. God give me something but with one wrong decision, it blown away. And now I'm calling God again... I admit I'm not a religious person, but I believe in God.
The worries doesn't end yet. But I know I can do it all alone, but only if I follow what God has been saying and with His guidance, I know I will never be wrong...again.
God doesn't answered our prayers, I believe it because God knows what's the right answer to it. He knows what's the best thing to do out of what we ask. But it doesn't mean God don't care if we didn't answer our prayers, sometimes we will thank why He didn't answer. Why? Because He always offers the best for us.
Right now, I'm starting over again and hoping this time, I do it in the right way.
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